“You’re unique.” It’s a line you’ve probably heard a million times, but have you ever let it sink in? Nobody on Earth will know what it’s like to walk in your shoes. Every thought, experience and feeling you have is yours alone; there’s never been, and will never be, another you!
Chances are, however, that you were never taught how to be your best self. You entered the world as a blank slate which your parents filled with their own failings and hang-ups. Then came school. Sure, you learned all sorts of things, but what about connecting with who you really are? It’s pretty much the most important skill in the world, but you won’t find it on any curriculum.
The result is that we often end up leading lives which feel a little off. There’s a vague sense we’re not being our true selves, but we’re not sure what to do about it. So how do you become yourself?
Here’s how the author breaks it down. We all have two types of self: a positive best self – the person you’d like to be more often – and a negative anti-self which stops you being that person. The key is to learn to tell which self is in control. The best way to do that is to flesh out these characters and give them recognizable attributes.
Let’s start with the best self.
On a piece of paper, write down all of your positive traits: the things you admire most about yourself but don’t always act upon. Think of adjectives like “friendly,” “logical” or “brave.” That might be hard – after all, it’s much easier to criticize than praise yourself – but stick with it.
Next, put a face to that bundle of attributes. Does your best self have a specific gender? Is it an animal or mythical creature? What’s its superpower? The author’s, for example, is a wise wizard called Merlin while one of his clients has an upbeat squirrel called Ralph!
Once you’ve settled on your best self’s appearance and character, you’ll want to sketch it. Don’t worry, this doesn’t have to be a masterpiece. The important thing is to have a representation to hang somewhere in your home to remind yourself of who you want to be.
Next, we’ll take a closer look at your best self’s nemesis: the anti-self.
Have you ever seen someone absolutely lose it while driving? Road rage causes a remarkable Jekyll and Hyde transformation: the kindest, most considerate people in the world suddenly turn into raging road hogs screaming at everyone around them.
That’s a pretty good example of someone’s anti-self taking control. It’s the part of your personality that responds to situations in the worst possible way, especially when triggers remind you of old wounds and fears.
Take the author’s friend Suzanne. She named her anti-self Road Rage Regina. What provoked Regina most were traffic jams on her daily commute. The reason? When she was in high school, Suzanne missed a lot of classes due to illness and spent months desperately struggling to catch up. Being out of control and worrying about being late for work triggered that old anxiety.
The good news is that getting a clear idea of your anti-self gives you a much better chance of predicting when it’s likely to rear its ugly head. Think back to the last time you acted in a way that later made you think “wow, I really lost it back there.” Maybe you had an argument with a sibling, say, and hung up the phone.
What you need to do is write down everything you don’t like about your behavior when your anti-self is in charge. Use negative adjectives like “careless,” “irrational” or “angry” to fill your list. Push past any sense of shame. Things look a lot scarier when they’re lurking in the shadows, so think of this as taking a flashlight to the problem.
Now repeat what you did with your best self: put a name and a face to it! Remember, this is an exaggerated version of yourself, so don’t be afraid to make this character cartoonish. In fact, the more ridiculous your portrait, the easier it’ll be to remember the behavior you want to avoid in the future.
Think of five recent situations when your anti-self was in control. Write down how it behaved and then compare it to what your best self would’ve done. Keeping that in mind will help you step back and make better decisions when you’re triggered rather than simply losing it. You might find this tough at first, but with practice, it can become second nature.
Becoming your best self is a journey. That means you’ll face obstacles along the way. If you want to reach your destination, you’ll need to avoid potholes and other hazards. And the biggest obstacle you’ll encounter is fear.
The best way to overcome it? Face up to it and be honest with yourself.
Remember, fear is a habitual liar. It whispers in your ear that you’re not good enough or that other people are judging you. Eventually, you end up with an entirely distorted view of the world and waste precious time and brainpower mulling over what-ifs. That means you’ll become so consumed by worries about hypotheticals that you won’t get anything positive done.
But here’s the good news: there are a couple of simple strategies to put your fears into perspective. The first step is to identify them. Grab a pen and write out this question: “What are the fears that have held me back from making changes to my life?” Take a close look at your answers – is there an overarching theme? Are you terrified of failure, for example, or what people think about you?
Now you’re ready for the next step: putting your fears to the test. Like any other muscle, the brain can be trained. Negative thinking, however, usually means that you’re focusing on fear, rather than solutions. What you need is an action plan to beat fear, and here’s how.
Jot down these three headings: “My fear is,” “It’s keeping me from” and “My plan to stop my fear becoming reality is.” So, say you’d love to quit your job and set up your own business but the prospect of financial ruin is holding you back. One solution would be to put enough money away to tide you over for six months and only quitting your job once you’ve saved that amount.
Another great tool is visualization. Next time fear raises its ugly head, try out this technique. Close your eyes and imagine putting all of your anxieties into a massive cardboard box. Now shrink that box in your mind’s eye until it fits into the palm of your hand. Finally, picture yourself hurling that negative package into a deep, dark canyon and savor the feeling of relief that washes over you as you watch it drop out of sight.
